It Should Have Been a Dozen More

The moment a doughnut hits your mouth, all of the troubles in the world melt away like that wonderful glaze. Even hardcore health enthusiasts can't resist. Oh Krispy Kreme, the world would not be as sweet without you.

Inhumanity Towards Cupcakes

I bid a Happy Valentines day to those partaking in the slaughter of cupcakes, the smelling of roses, and the genocide of delicious foreign little chocolates. For those of you indulging in something other than chocolates and cupcakes, perhaps maybe a little more "exotic", kudos to you. Let today not be a day of procastination, leftover sale candy, and singled out greeting cards, but rather a day of appreciation and thanks.

Third or Fourth Wheel Anyone?

So let me think.... To move something with ease, give it some wheels. Which is more efficient: three or four wheels? Four wheels have stability and can be paired off as two and two, right? So what happens when three wheels are Goodyear and the fourth is Firestone??? Sometimes things are better left as unicycles.

Oh you silly synonym you

Sometimes the smallest things in life are what bring me laughter. As I was driving to school one morning, I came across a song that I had never heard of before. I looked at my iPod and looked at the title. "Pier Pressure" the screen scrolled. I thought that was just HILARIOUS! Thats when my imagination took control and I thought of one pier pressuring the other pier to smoke pot while people continued to fish off of their backs unphased by a gigantic talking pier. It was like some sort of Thomas the Tank engine meets CSI or something. I thought it was funny....

Culture Club versus ACDC

Just a reminder: as a culinary extern, don't reveal too much about yourself for fear of alienation. Don't clean too much either. That just makes you seem like an OCD anal retentive prick. A classic example involved the dishes. He states," Man your really gung-ho about those dishes." (and this is after I asked him how the dishwasher worked). I reply,"Oh man, my mom is pretty anal about the dishes and I uh bee bop buh dee dahhh sigh....."From the look on his face I had to just stop myself. Then I tried to cover it up by saying that my "dish washing" tendencies stemmed from my educational experience and that my "teachers would deduct points from our grade" if we didn't keep up with the washing. That was just brilliant. He states," I know man. I get it."In my head I just sat in my little corner and screamed as loudly as I could while I just smiled. Well that one went right out of the window. All of my friends know my mom is a dish Nazi, so it was just natural to spit it out. I had to clean on the sneak while he wasn't looking. I couldn't help it. I suppose that one isn't as bad as when one of the guys asked me what kind of music I listened to. That was a train wreck waiting to happen. I said," Oh you know, stuff like Nancy Wilson, Nina Simone, Ladytron, accoustic Brazil and even country music too. Thats when I realized I just said "country". Everyone seems to be an enemy of country. He responded with blank stares. It was almost as if I told him that I smoke crack with a tire gauge as a hobbie while teaching pre-schoolers as a part time job. It was that slightly disgusted look with a hint of disbelief and confusion. So as they listen to their heavy metal and alternative rock stuff, I just put the record on play in my head and zone out. God forbid I ever tell them that I own Madonna, Culture Club and Elton John on vinyl. Now if I said I owned the Ramones, Jimi Hendrix, and Bob Marley, I'd fit right in. Oh if only I worked in an all gay kitchen.

Children and Motley Crue

Oh what a marvelous day outside! These are the kind of days that picnics are conceived on and happiness slips into our water. That is until you drive past a park on church grounds blasting "Sex and Candy". Thats when parents start to look at you with sour faces and dropped jaws while covering their childrens precious ears. Would it have been any better had I played Motley Crue or Khia perhaps? Hey, it was a classic song. Unfortunately, I must sacrifice this lovely day for a night in the kitchen training as the good old extern aka kitchen-bitch. Actually, I'm sacrificing the whole week. I think that the only reason for this sudden boom in hours is because the other cook quit and his replacement didn't pass the background check. HOORAH for background checks! HOORAH for cooks! Should I be pleased at this promotion or should I be dreading it???

Plutocracy in its finest dress

I must say that after only working a couple of weeks at the Sheraton Oceanfront, I have indeed witnessed more "privileged events" than my eyes have ever graced in my entire life. It was almost similar to watching a watered-down version of some celebrity charity event. All of these throwback dresses and stiff suits and snooty attitudes...I had a carving knife and a braising fork in my hand...It could have been deadly. All of those dresses reeked of Chico's and Karen Eagle and whatever in the hell Hilltop had to offer. I would look a them, chuckle to myself as I dated their dress to their "celebrity inspiration". We had a couple of Reese Witherspoons circa 2003, a 60's throwback that looked like a "sequin monster's" throw up in a purse that was a bad rendition of Twiggy, a couple of Jackie Onassis look-a-likes, and plenty of oversized pearls. This was an engagement party that cost them an estimated 60,000 bucks. I asked the technician if he was doing good and he immediately stated, "For $6,000 you would think this technology would work." I replied (in my head),"Keep up the great work...I never knew colored lights were that expensive" and smiled. I was kinda glad it was dark, those blinking lights would have most certainly given me a seizure. Oh the Haute Monde and their fancy ways. What would us poor folk do without them???

Morning Meditation

You get a rude awakening. You hit the alarm clock until the snooze button breaks. You step into the shower and finally get a chance to breath. If only you didn't have work to go to. If only hot water lasted for hours. If only skin never got wrinkled and prune-like. If only your expensive shampoo and body exfoliant lasted forever...Refills consit of pouring water into the bottles and shaking them up. If only showers came equipped with reclining chairs to enhance the experience. If only water bills never existed. If only there weren't people behind you waiting for their hot water. Showers are one of the last places on Earth where you can be at peace and relax. I wish I can shower at work, at school, in the car, at the grocery store, in traffic, at the park....I'd be one hell of a relaxed person and certainly fresh....Instead of saying," Take it easy man!!!" I'd say ,"Take a shower man!!!" The whole definition would change. And for those people who just need a shower I'd say," You stink." Problem solved...